My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
