remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
