is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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