meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Randomize
