I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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