your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
