I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
