he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
