can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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