Acid is not a monday night drug
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
