How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
