True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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