New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
