Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
