Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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