guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
