We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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