are you still at the devil's house?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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