proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
