genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
