at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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