You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
