Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
