I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
