i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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