Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
