i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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