Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
