to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
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