Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
