If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
