I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
