Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Oh god it's open bar.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
