she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
