I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
