Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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