i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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