Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
