He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
