Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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