P.S. I can't hear my feet
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
