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My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
