ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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