Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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