I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
