My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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