Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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