He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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