My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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