I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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